I don't know how long I lived with the people they set me up with. Ive spoken to my mother and she said I never lived at home again. We continued to date and a year later I was pregnant again. Call me stupid. I knew this time I wasn't giving this child up for any reason. One heartache was enough. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone. But in those days birth control was not as easy to get. No excuses. My boyfriend was on vacation in the Grand Canyon when I found out. I was staying at his family's home while they were away. I phoned him and told him he needed to come home . When he returned we got in the car with 2 witnesses and drove to Valdosta Georgia and got married. I thought life would be OK. Again , foolish girl. When we returned from what we called a honeymoon in Gatlinburg Tenn. we rented a little garage apartment and settled in. He went to Barber college and I worked through my pregnancy.



On January 26 1971 our little girl was born. I was so happy. We bought a little house and moved in. I went to cosmetology school and life went on. As with any young marriage we had our ups and downs. things didn't work out and we divorced when our daughter was 4. I have to say I was still searching for something to fill the emptiness inside of me, not knowing that it would linger for years. I had met someone else thinking the void would be filled. We married shortley after my divorce and started a new life. We had to start counseling from the begining. That should have been my first sign that something was wrong, but I again was blinded by what I thought was love. Seems like I was always the bad guy. He was a man with problems. He molested my daughter for years before I found out. I had seen some strange things but didn't put much into them. I couldn't believe he'd do these things to my chhild. We had 2 sons while we were married. It was a long and very hostile 14 years. We divorced and again I met someone else. Joe and I lived on the same street and our children were friend and went to school together. He just happened to be there when I needed someone and was my lifesaver.

We were married in 1990. He had 2 boys and I had 2 boys at home at the time. It's hard being a step parent. Don't ever let anyone tell you it's not. Joe's wife had died of canser the year before and was taking care of his sons alone. We became friends and talked alot. Eventually things settled down and we worked our way through alot of problems with kids .

The night of March 13th 1969 will be in my heart forever, because that is the the nigh I went into labor. It was quite a surprise as i was fast asleep and awoke to go to the rest room. But that's not what happened. My water broke at around 11:00 pm. Needless to say but I was scared to death. I woke the woman I lived with and from then on it was a whirlwind. Of course the Dr. didn't want me to wait because they wanted me put to sleep as soon as possible. We went immediately to the hospital and I was met at the door with a wheel chair and a nurse. Then taken and prepped, and put to sleep right away. it's a very empty feeling waking after carrying a child for 9 months to nothing. total emptiness. I wanted it over so bad I didn't think about how I would feel when it was over. The pain would last longer than I ever imagined.
The days in the hospital were hard. the day I signed my son over to someone else was terrible.

I tried to go to the nursery on the last day but was stopped at the door, because his new family had come for him. Thank god his aunt saw my name on his little bracelet,and remembered it for years. I had the empiest feeling for so long. I stayed in Jacksonville about 2 weeks. I was ready to go home,although I don't know why. I didn't realize how my mom had suffered because of me. Could I ever make it up to her? I stayed at my boyfriends house for a few days till they found someplace else to stay. We think were so smart at 18. I wish I had someone to tell me what it would be like. Mabe things would have been different. You think your on top of the world one day and the next youre whole life is shattered. I don't know why I continued to stay with my boyfriend knowing he had no interest in having children. why didn't I see that. I guess I was blinded by what I thought was love.

4

I never heard from anyone back home the whole time I was gone. My family was very upset with me. I never knew till much later in life that my mother was going to adopt my child, but because my father left her again there was no chance of that. I don't think it would have been a good idea anyway. she had her hands full as it was. There really was no way she could do it alone. I wondered if anyone from back home ever thought about me, my friends, my boyfriend, my family? It was just me and my little bundle of joy. That's what he was and always would be.
It was a very special time for me, my first pregnancy and I felt great, although very large.
I loved this child growing inside of me, knowing that one day soon I would have to sign the paper to give him to someone else. It was a wretching feeling. When I walked the beach I would be at peace for some reason. I guess that was the place i felt closest to God and he was calming me. I think I knew before I had this child that we would somday be together, I certainly would never give up trying.

I often thought about keeping my child but knew in my heart that I couldnt give him the kind of life he deserved. Nor was I going to be the one who held him back. If someone was willing to love and care for him the way I couldn't at that time then so be it. I prayed allot that he would be safe and healthy and loved.

Well life in New England is hard especially in the winter, although beautiful , it's tough. And being a Florida girl it was extremely tough given the circumstances. My friend tried to make my life a little better but I was alone, distanced from my family,and very much alone. As this child grew inside of me I became more and more attached. I would talk to him and rub my belly and cry. I remember looking out of the kitchen window at night and crying wishing it could be different and wishing it would be over. I even stooped to calling people and giving the phone company another number so I didn't have to pay for it. I got caught. I was so hungry for home and friends. Winter was beautiful and I loved the snow. We would walk to the little post office every couple days and it was like a picture post card.My friend and I visited an orphanage and luckily it wasn't open when we arrived because I was so scared and knew I didn't want that for my child. Even being young and naive I knew what I would like for him.

That was the last time i went there. Late January of 69 I got word that someone in florida was looking to adopt a child through an attorney. So I was put on a plane and sent back. I had no idea what lied ahead. I remember getting on the plane, very pregnant. It was a very big baby.Next ting I knew I was in Jacksonville florida , being met at the airport by an attorney and taken to someones home to spend the night. Ackword to say the least. But it was only for one night. The next day I met the woman I would be living with. she was a very sweewt caring woman, and made my stay there very comfortable. I would walk to the beach a few times a week. It was very calming and i loved it.

I loved children and thought this would be o.k. But that wasn't the case. I was scared but excited. I never dreamed what turn my life would take. I remember telling a friend I use to babysit for before I could tell my family. She said I shouldn't wait and to tell my parents right away. I did. It didn't go as I hoped. Not only was the boy not going to marry me but they also wanted me to go away and have the child. My parents urged me to keep the child, but i was so naive I didn't listen to them. As much as I wanted this child I was in no position to keep it. I knew my family could not afford to support me and a child and I wasn't finished with high school. I wanted more for my child. My life as I knew it was falling apart.I was pretty much on my own from then on. I had a friend in Massachuetts who said I could come stay with her and her husband. Since I wasn't going into a girls home , I took the offer. It was a vey scarey and lonely time for me. I had never been away from home let alone out of state by myself. My friend lived in an upstairs apartment in Sturbridge Mass. Nice enough place, but still out of my comfort zone. I was a Florid a girl and not use to the hills not the freezing temps. It got very cold there. We had a dark cold staircase we had to climb to our apartment, and that was no easy task when I was pregnant. I slept in the sewing room next to their bedroom. Not a fun thing to do. She was a little weird and had some problems mentally so it was touchy. But I had no one else. And no money. I thought my boyfriends family was helping but found out that wasn't the case. They left me out in the cold.

FULL CIRCLE

The year is 1968. My Journey


A young girl, ( just a child looking back). Thinking she knew everything, but knowing nothing. Not from a affluent family, but a loving one for sure. Not a stable family but a caring mother who fought hard and long to raise 4 children for the most part on her own. Doing the best she could. There were 4 of us. 3 girls and a boy. I am the youngest of twins. We had a hard life growing up, my father wasn't around much so my mother had to raise us for the most part on her own. Born in Ohio and moved to florida when we were young. Mom always working to keep us fed and in clean clothes. I was in high school in 1968 and thought I knew it all. As i'm sure allot of teenagers do. Met a youg boy who was from a very nice family. We dated awhile and thought we knew what we were doing. Little did we know we dind't even fathom what was about to happen. His family didnt think I was good enough for him and tried to convince him of it. But we continued to date. Then in june of 1968 I found out I was pregnant. I thought for sure we would get married and raise our child. Foolish girl.

FULL CIRCLE

A personal journey: From the begining to (The Begining)


The story of a young girl and her sturggles through a teen pregnancy and life after